My apologies for not blogging at all the entire month of January and most of February, but I think the title of this post pretty obviously tells you why. In the past month and a half I have been applying to and interviewing for hands full of different things. I want to share with you what has been going on, what I’m applying for and how my spiritual life has grown in some odd ways.
I am a tad bit hesitant to reveal all that I am applying for granted that I may not be selected for any of them, and in that event I would probably look pretty foolish. Yet, I am going to, because I think it says something about where I am right now. So here we go: Summer internships at the Archdiocese of Washington, National Federation for Catholic Youth Ministry, and CUA Summer Assistant. Student Leadership positions of Student Ministry and Resident Advisor. I’ve also been talking with someone about a fall internship that I badly want but technically can’t say what is yet. And President’s Society. I think I’ve had close to six interviews in the past month… and I’ve got 2 more on Monday (prayers would be greatly appreciated).
The question then, is how have I been handling all of this? Prayer, prayer and some more prayer.
Before every interview I listen to the song Oceans on repeat. You might remember that this song was my mantra when I applied for Student Ministry last year...well it still is. Every interview has been a way for Christ to lead me deeper than my feet could ever wander. That is truly what each of these positions are all about, they each offer me this unique opportunity. So when I feel nervous before my interviews I remember to keep my eyes above the waves.
I have also been praying a 54 Day Rosary Novena, which I started on February 1st (27 days before I find out Student Ministry, RA and Summer Assistant decisions). The way the Novena works is you pray 27 days in petition for something and then 27 days in thanksgiving (whether your petition was granted or not). I am now 21 days into the Novena and honestly, it has been having a hard and odd effect on me. Each day the Novena begins with a prayer, in which it says this:
“At thy feet I humbly kneel to offer thee a Crown of Roses…As thou receivest my gift, so wilt thou receive my petition; from thy bounty thou wilt give me the favor I so earnestly and trustingly seek. I despair of nothing that I ask of thee. Show thyself my Mother!”
And it ends with this:
O my Mother! look with favor upon my gift, and in thy love obtain for me (specify request).
When I first started praying my novena the end prayer sounded something like…”O my Mother! look with favor upon my gift, and in thy love obtain for me a student ministry and RA position, summer assistant, a summer internship at the archdiocese, a summer internship with NFCYM, and the fall internship position. “
This went on for a while, but it started seeming rather silly. As the days went by and my trust in Mary deepened my prayer turned more into something like this: “obtain for me a student leadership position (either), something for the summer and something for next year.”
But part of the prayer for the beginning of the novena has been consuming my heart and mind: “I despair of nothing I ask of thee. Show thyself my Mother!” Mary has been revealing to me how good she truly is. How good and loving and trustworthy. As I discover her heart through the rosary, I am feeling less inclined to ask for anything specific at all. In the past few days i’ve been feeling like maybe I shouldn’t be naming specific requests, but simply surrendering all of the options into her hands and patiently waiting for her to give to me the blessings that she has interceded for and her Son has ordained. Last night my prayer went something like “Mary, I don’t know what I want or even what I should want, but you do. I lay all of the options into your hands. Show Thyself my Mother!”
And maybe this still isn’t where I should be, I’m sure there is still much room for growth, but it is a much more trusting place than where I started out. I can only hope that I still feel as trusting when the 27 day comes and I must switch to praying in thanksgiving rather than petition whether or not these things were granted. I pray that if this day comes and I do not get Student Ministry, RA, or Summer Assistant and every internship I’ve applied for rejects me I can still confidently say that all of this has come from Mary and that she has revealed the Lord’s plan for my life through it.
I appreciate any and all prayers you offer for me. I am praying for you as well and in particular for anyone else applying for positions.